Twenty-One Points of Light

1. If you want to add value, get to know the people around you in all their individual complexity. Conversely, the more you try to box someone into some prescribed identity, the more you will subtract value from your relationship with that person. On top of that, the categories our society often uses to prescribe identity are terribly problematic in the first place.

2. If you don't like it when people around you try to prescribe you an identity that does not fit who you are, then you are obligated to argue back, "But that's not who I am!" Then sincerely talk about who you are, drawing important distinctions between their idea of you and who you actually are.        

3. If you want to take the fast-track to self-knowledge, then look carefully at your priorities, the people you choose to spend the most time with, and your deepest ambitions. These three aspects of the way you live will allow you to take a good look in the mirror so that you see yourself for who you really are. 

​4. Beyond that, take a look at Michelangelo's Captive (1513), a work of art without any built-in prescriptive apparatus to guide its viewers toward any specific moral response.  Your gut reaction to seeing this work should tell you a lot about yourself. The same can be said about the literature of Franz Kafka, for the most part: your reaction says a great deal more about YOU than it says about the artist.      ​

5. If you are listening to someone speak and you want to know whether you are REALLY listening, ask yourself: "Am I prepared for the possibility that he/she will say something that may turn around my entire understanding of things?" That doesn’t mean you shouldn't fact check what you are hearing. You should. But if you aren't open to looking at things differently, then you're NOT listening.

6. Originally, the web promised us everything we might want – from the comfort of our own home. We may have liked the idea, but the messaging was tantamount to this: "Stay in your comfort zone." Listening to others often requires us to step out of our comfort zone, especially if they are speaking from the heart about painful experiences. Empathy can take us a long way.

7. Your ambition should be commensurate not just with your intelligence, but the kind of intelligence necessary for you to accomplish your goals. As to people who suffer from inadequacy here: if their intelligence cannot get them there, they may take ethical shortcuts. Or they may become resentful of their unfulfilled ambitions. Resentment often lurks within such people.

8. "Do you see someone who is skilled (or diligent) at their work? Such a person will serve before Kings, not before low-ranking men." Proverbs 22:29 seems to have been written for top business leaders who understand the Pareto Principle, Price's Law, etc. They know the value of an extremely skilled worker, who will significantly contribute to the execution of the organization's strategy.

9. It may be nice to smile and/or try to be likable. But in the workplace, likability will never be a substitute for competence – knowing how to listen, how to perform your assigned work correctly and on time, showing you genuinely care, etc. When individual employees behave like the first is a substitute for the second, they subtly communicate: "We are entitled to your business." This applies even if they don't fully understand how they are communicating.   

I am not commenting on Donald Trump's policies here, some of which I found to be reasonable, at least in theory. That our country elected him says a LOT about where we were, even if the other choice was Hillary Clinton. I am amazed at how I was inclined to defend him, at times, before the 2020 election; it says a lot about where the other side has gone in their long campaign against him. Still, we should pay attention to Trump's general behavior, and let it be a learning experience.

10. The same is true of personal relationships – just being likable or cunning but NOT someone of true character will not cut it. Nothing generates resentfulness in an individual like feeling ENTITLED to another person's love, care, devotion, and respect. You have to earn it. Most narcissists feel scorned when others don't supply them with endless praise and (in)sincere admiration; hence their defensiveness.

11. Conversely, there is no antidote for resentment like GRATITUDE, which allows people to shift their focus from stewing over what they don't have to appreciating what they DO have. This will be difficult for those whose parents failed to teach them the importance of gratitude. But it's never too late to apologize for mistakes, to try to make amends, and foster the spirit of caring.

​12. There are few better feelings than the feeling that comes after admitting and owning your mistakes, and then thinking about how to do better in the future. Owning your mistakes helps to keep you humble as well. But thinking about how to do better in the future keeps you from falling into the trap of perpetual guilt. On the contrary, let the promise of REDEMPTION inspire you and others around you to keep moving forward.

13. The secret to being a great LEADER: focus on arriving at a place where you are no longer needed. When great leaders show others how to lead, their spirit will continue to live on in the lives of everyone they have guided. The same can be said about great educators (and under this category, great parents). When you are no longer needed, you have something far greater: deep appreciation.

14. Being a great leader also means being able to take your rightful part in your chosen group, organization, and/or enterprise, and being able to embrace its cause above your personal thoughts and ambitions. This means yielding to others and being able to say, "Even if I would rather our approach be X, I am willing to do go above and beyond to contribute to approach Y, the path we have agreed to take." You don't need to have the wrath of Achilles in The Iliad to make his same mistake.    

When leaders put their ideas forward and others in their group, organization, and/or enterprise don't agree, they NEVER immediately respond by trying to subvert competing ideas. They listen and try to understand why others see things differently, and then do their best to come to some sort of agreement.

15. There are people who want to lead but take the "It's my way or the highway" approach to those they are trying to lead. They are not leading. Instead, they are issuing imperatives. Leadership only works by being able to INSPIRE others. The best leaders take self-reflection seriously. Their question is, "What am I doing to inspire those around me?"

16. You cannot demand that people respect you, or even that people treat you with respect. It's reasonable to expect that people treat you with courtesy and dignity if you're going to be around them. But respect is something that you COMMAND. When we demand that people treat us with respect, we diminish our society's standards of behavior for those who command respect.

17.​ There are going to be some days when things don't go according to plan and you just need a good laugh. Sometimes if you say, "You know, we're going to be able to laugh at this five years from now," you may just be able to laugh at 'this' the very day it happens. Then after that it will be time to refocus.

​18. And there will be some days when you just feel like yelling at people around you, and even cursing at them. If you yell and even curse at your coworkers and/or your significant other, it may take you a while to live that down, even if you apologize profusely. If you yell and curse at your computer (or any inanimate object), it won't be upset with you or even remember it later on.

19. When someone around you has fallen, it is far more important to know how to lend a helping hand than to know how to correct that person's mistake. Lending a helping hand as you gently correct a mistake often results in GRATITUDE. Correcting someone's mistake without lending a helping hand usually results in some sort of resentment, the opposite of what leaders want. 

20. The very best way to start your day is by reading or listening to words of inspiration. If you are someone of faith, let those words be your prayer. Think about how you can be more present over the day ahead of you, and then go out and make the rest of your day a fulfillment of those inspiring words.  

21. One of the most difficult problems facing early Greek philosophers was the problem of ἀκρασία (akrasia), recognizing the good but just NOT DOING it. And it's still a problem for us today. Many of us know what we need to be doing; we just lack the discipline to do it. Most of us don't need a coach, at least not for the longterm; what we need is to become our own coach.     

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